Monday, February 6, 2012
Becoming a Mom:
I remember vividly the first few weeks of Henry's life. I felt tired,sore,and extremely overwhelmed. I would dread the evenings knowing that night was coming and that I would have to get up during the night to feed. There were lots of tears and screams. Another mom told me that her babies got a lot happier around 6 weeks and at that time I thought three weeks was so far away. I wondered how anyone with babies were able to do anything outside of their house.Doug lovingly encouraged and helped and reminded me that it would get easier.
What also made it so hard those first few weeks at home was the fact that it honestly took a while for the mother/child connection and bond to set in. I have always loved Henry, but it has taken me a lot longer to know him and to really really love him. My labor was incredibly long and tiring (both emotionally and physically) and due to some complications, I was only able to hold him for a few minutes right after he was born. In his first week of life I only held him for a few hours total and spent a lot of time fighting tubes and cords to try to hold him in my arms.I think it was also so hard because this was my first time doing this. I had never had a baby before. I had never had the experience of having a baby and then getting to snuggle and cuddle together from the beginning moments of his life. I had never experienced a "normal" birth.
It is so good for me to realize this now. I felt like a bad mother because I did not have that immediate overwhelming love and connection with my baby that I had heard so many women talk about. The first time I held him is a blur. The main feeling I felt was relief...my baby was finally here. I think in our story it is totally understandable and normal that the bonding would take a little longer. We had missed many of those moments in that first week. We had to make up for lost time once we did get home. We have since bonded and connected, it has just taken us longer than I had expected.
I have been amazed at how my relationship with Henry has changed over the past month. He knows me and wants to be with me. I know him and I want to be with him. I feel so much more confident as his mother. And I might even miss him when we are driving in the car for a long time and I don't see or hold him for a few hours. I am thankful and blessed to be his mom. I am also so glad that it has indeed gotten easier. We sleep more, we play together, we go out in public, and our life as a family of three is moving forward. I feel more like his mom now because I get teary eyed just thinking about our story, our love, and our bond. I love being Henry's mom.